Lest I Wither In Despair__

We were hit by a storm last night. The blinding lightning and the roar of thunder woke me up even from my deep sleep.

“Amamoh?” I whispered, the soft sound of my own voice drowned out by the loud thunder outside.

Silence.

I got out of bed and listlessly walked to the window. The raging storm once again began to stir up the now-familiar feeling of despair within me. I stared into the darkness of the night, which echoed the darkness inside me. Against my better judgment, I opened the rattling window. A gust of cold wind swept in accompanied by an angry flurry of raindrops, sending my hair flying into a tangled mess. I stood there in silence, listening to the thunder, soaking in its magnificence without flinching or backing away from the storm that greeted me.
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“I have a feeling I don’t have much time to live, Amamoh.”
“Shh… don’t say such things. You have to live for our wedding, you have to live for our walks along the Niagara Falls in the winter, for our strolls through Regent’s Park, for our trips to the Swiss-French countryside, for the nights where we curl up reading books by the fireplace.”

I used to smile when he said these things. My Amamoh displayed no emotions and rarely opened up. I was the overemotional one. Amamoh could read me like a book. “Is it okay to be so emotionally expressive?” I often asked myself when Amamoh didn’t respond to my verbal warmth. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me as much as I loved him, but he never understood what those three magic words meant.
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I’m walking in the rain—- it is five in the afternoon.
It’s getting dark here, the setting sun casting shadows like my eclipsed heart.

I’m thinking of the things we did together. I’m thinking of the whispers we shared, but today Amamoh is not around to listen to the sound of my tears. He knew my world would fall apart, but he still chose to let me live in despair. Because he was a dream, a mirage, an illusion that never existed. I continued to hold onto him, hopelessly in love with the idea of him. I only lived in waiting, lost in a beautiful dream. I had loved him with all my heart and my soul, against all odds.

Now, I find myself drowning slowly. My crazy love torments me. My delusions mock me and haunt me. I walk in the darkness on a rainy night overcast with clouds and devoid of stars, with only my depressing thoughts and broken heart for company. I feel wetness on my cheeks; I cannot tell where the rain ends and where my tears begin. My dreams melt away with each tear I shed, splattering to the ground, lost forever. I walk alone, resigned to this new reality of mine.